True love cannot be bought, but when we operate from a place of 'not good enough' we constantly hustle and trade those things we believe will make us deserving of love.
We often say that love can’t be bought, we either give it or not. And deep inside I believe this to be true.
Love, the real kind, emanates from the heart straight to the loved one like an unstoppable force that requires no transaction, not bargaining, and certainly no price tag. But while love cannot be bought, what about its close relatives? Those other things that we often get mistaken for love. I’m talking about attention, affection, intimacy, someone to hold you when you feel like loneliness will devour you whole.
I never considered that someone could love me for me just for being me. I always had to give something in return, otherwise why would anyone care enough to be with me?
If I look back on my life I can see many instances when I have ‘traded’ things for what it felt like love.
Like when I was a child and I desperately wanted to impress my dad, so I always did my best at school, that way I could run to him at the end of the semester and show him my ‘perfect’ report card. So he could be proud of me, so he could direct his attention to me instead of ‘being too busy’, because perfect grades meant I was perfect in his eyes, at least for a couple of days.
Or when I was in high school and feeling like an outcast, so I befriended my bullies as to get some peace and feel accepted. I hated spending time with them, it made me feel like a phony, but I continued to be their ‘friend’ until I was able to change schools. I traded my time for some temporary sense of belonging.
When I grew up into adulthood sex became currency of choice. I remember living in a foreign country in my early twenties, away from family and with a weak support network. I craved intimacy, human contact, someone to make me feel I was not so desperately alone. So used the only tool I thought I had, my body. I used to get fleeting company because‘someone’ was better than no one.
These are some examples, I can think of many more.
As I reflect on this I feel some deep sadness. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I feel that trading something, good grades, friendship, time, sex, my very dignity, was the only option to get someone to love me?
The answer is clear: because I never considered that someone could love me for me just for being me. I always had to give something in return, otherwise why would anyone care enough to be with me?
Now in my late-thirties, I’m finally learning, and not without struggle, to let that old concept go. I finally feel I deserve to be loved for being who I am: a flawed and deliciously imperfect human being, stubbornly striving to love myself the way I should have always been loved – without conditions.
Ask yourself: what do YOU trade for love?
In the answer you might find the missing piece of the puzzle, the answer to why you do not think you are ever ‘good enough’. Reflect, be patient and kind to yourself, some of us have made some huge trades and lost a lot in our pursuit of feeling worthy of love.
But know this, no matter how you feel about yourself, no matter what you have done or lost, every one of us was born worthy of love. It is just a matter of remembering and peeling back the layers, slowly letting the light shine in to show us the hidden treasure, that place, deep within our hearts where we can finally feel whole again.
Written by Jo Garner for @RelationshipsAsMirrors
Jo is the Founder of Relationships as Mirrors. She is an author, coach, speaker, and facilitator of group development work. She holds a Master Degree of Science in Coaching Psychology and a Bachelor in Social Science with specialisation in Coaching. She is passionate about supporting individuals in their journeys to creating more authentic and fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.
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