We are all subject to painful relationship patterns at one point or another in our lives. Some of them we may consciously choose, others we may encounter almost ‘by chance’. However, when combined with a personal history of trauma and family dysfunction, relationships can become severely toxic, potentially resulting in an unhealthy form of attachment often referred to as a trauma bond.
Like substance addicts, people subject to trauma bonding are virtually addicted to a person, often becoming obsessed and engaging in episodes of self-betrayal and loss of emotional control.
In simple terms, trauma bonding can be described as “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation” (Carnes, 1997). In trauma bonding, a person forms an unhealthy loyalty to the abuser (hence the parallel with Stockholm Syndrome), and finds it incredibly difficult to leave the relationship even when she/he can logically recognise the danger to her/his emotional, psychological and/or physical wellbeing.
Trauma bonding can be extremely difficult to heal as it often presents itself as an ‘intangible’ addiction. Like substance addicts, people subject to trauma bonding are virtually addicted to a person, often becoming obsessed and engaging in episodes of self-betrayal and loss of emotional control.
Trauma bonds are strengthened by intermittent reinforcement, that is regular cycles of extreme highs and lows which may look like intense ‘love’ demonstrations (highs) followed by some sort of abusive behaviour (lows). From a neurochemical perspective, the intense high experienced is created by a potent hit of oxytocin and dopamine, two brain chemicals which facilitate attachment and bonding (Olff, 2015) and can ‘hook’ the brain with a power similar to a street drug.
Furthermore, because the initial stages of the relationship are often marked by some form of love-bombing and heightened sexual chemistry, victims would often try to cling onto the memories of the initial stages of the relationship in hope that they can experience this again, which serves to tighten the bond as they engage in the emotional rollercoaster of intermittent reinforcement.
Do you think you have experienced some form of trauma bonding? Read the list below and see if you identify with these statements.
You are or have you been in a relationship that negatively affects your wellbeing but find it impossible to leave
You have tried leaving the relationship one or more times just to feel overwhelmingly compelled to return
You have an obsessive focus on the person / relationship and constantly fear abandonment
You experience cycles of highs and lows (e.g. affection followed by extreme rejection)
You neglect other parts of your life (health, friends, work, hobbies) to get or keep a relationship
You accept behaviours from your partner that you would never accept from anyone else
You experience feelings of being out of control emotionally when it comes to the relationship
Most of your conversations centre around your significant other’s problems, actions, and feelings
You lower your standards (gradually and sometimes imperceptibly) to remain in the relationship
You lack healthy boundaries and agency to take your own decisions freely
You crave comfort from the same person who is damaging you emotionally
If you have identified yourself with most of these statements, you may have experienced some form of trauma bonding.
Stay tuned as I will continue to explore the topic of trauma bonding, its origins and what can we do to begin the path towards healing and creating healthier relationship patterns.
References:
Carnes, Ph.D., P. J. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Florida: Health Communications, Inc.
Olff, M. (n.d.). Bonding after trauma: On the role of social support and the oxytocin system in traumatic stress. Retrieved June 15, 2015, from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3402118/
Written by Jo Garner for @RelationshipsAsMirrors
Jo is the Founder of Relationships as Mirrors. She is an author, coach, speaker, and facilitator of group development work. She holds a Master Degree of Science in Coaching Psychology and a Bachelor in Social Science with specialisation in Coaching. She is passionate about supporting individuals in their journeys to creating more authentic and fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.
コメント