In coaching as in love, it is not about searching for validation, but placing ourselves in service of others, whether they are our coachees or our loved ones.
I know this sounds like a contentious title, but before you make your judgements, please hear me out.
As coaches, our job is to create the right conditions for our clients to make positive and sustainable changes, to enhance their perspectives and to facilitate the finding of solutions to what, until then, seemed like unsolvable problems. But try as we might, in spite of the endless hours of practice, research and solid theoretical background, sometimes we fail. The coachee leaves the session dissatisfied, frustrated or simply with a half-hearted intention to accomplish a goal they did not really want or need to begin with. Why is it that we can get it so wrong? Is it lack of experience? Maybe we need to upskill or reinforce our knowledge base. Perhaps a new, more robust and contemporary coaching model will do.
Today, at a lecture of my Masters of Coaching Psychology, the professor (a world renowned expert in the field) talked about the main ‘derailers’ for coaches, and while I was familiar with most of the concepts, one of them really caught my attention. The professor talked about how, as coaches, we sometimes fall into the trap of making it all about ‘me’. In an effort to prove that we are ‘good enough’ coaches, we shift the attention from the client to ourselves, and in doing so, we influence the conversation so we can get to a quick solution and fix the issue, we stop listening and we start telling, we avoid ambiguity and search for certainty to guarantee a ‘victory’ over the problem. We have provided a solution, our job is done, our fragile egos has been saved but at the expense of the client’s experience. In effect, we have failed them, but on the surface, it looks like nothing is wrong.
“You cannot coach from a place of ‘it’s all about me’”, the professor said. And suddenly, it hit me. The applications of that sentence went far beyond the arena of coaching psychology, it extended to human relationships in general, in particular those that require a bond to be formed. You see, after surviving the aftermath of a relationship that didn’t go my way (arguably for the best), I realised that the reason I remained ‘stuck’ there for a lot longer that I should have done was because I was consistently making it all about me. Instead of listening to the other person and becoming genuinely interested on his wants and needs, I became determined to prove my worth by pursuing my preferred outcome. I stubbornly remained in a pointless game of chasing and manipulating, a game that had me cross my own boundaries of integrity more than once, just so I could fix the problem (him not wanting a relationship with me) and prove to myself that I was indeed ‘good enough’.
Had I really listened, I would have heard his truth from day one. Had I really paid attention to his words and actions instead of being so focused on my mission, I would have seen what he really needed and wanted: a human connection, a guide, the warmth of someone who cared in his otherwise superficial life, someone to open up to, in other words, he desperately needed a friend, a companion, but he was certainly not looking for love. At least not with me.
Love, like coaching, is about turning your attention away from your selfish intentions and, with your most generous regard, looking at the other person and asking: what do you need from me? How can I be of best service to you? Otherwise love turns into a Machiavellian game of give and take, a battleground of unhealed wounds, a fast pathway towards resentment and broken hearts.
Let’s be clear, I’m not advocating for co-dependency or selfless abandon, our wants and needs must be a priority too and we must respect ourselves enough to walk away when these are not met. However, in a world where most of use struggle with self-worth, giving with an open heart is a courageous act. Being present, listening and attending to our loved one needs is a task that requires strength and also the bravery to be vulnerable, because at any given moment we may hear an “I don’t want to be with you anymore”, or in my case “I only love you as a friend”.
Easier said than done, but what I have learnt is that in order to give generously we must come from a place of ‘enoughness’ and to embrace the belief that nothing or none outside ourselves can determine our worth. We must get to a point when we firmly believe that we already good enough and that there is no need to ‘hustle’, achieve or perform. Then and only then we can coach, love and relate in a more genuine and gratifying way. “You cannot coach from a place of ‘it’s all about me’”, it turns out neither you can love.
Written by Jo Garner for @RelationshipsAsMirrors
Jo is the Founder of Relationships as Mirrors. She is an author, coach, speaker, and facilitator of group development work. She holds a Master Degree of Science in Coaching Psychology and a Bachelor in Social Science with specialisation in Coaching. She is passionate about supporting individuals in their journeys to creating more authentic and fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.
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