Not finding 'nice guys' attractive and always gravitating towards the emotionally unavailable ones could be a sign of deeper, unresolved issues. Read on to find out why.
It is a popular saying that “good guys finish last”. And arguably, in this hyper competitive and ruthless world, there could be some truth to that. However, when it comes to relationships, and specifically to the reasons why some women constantly reject ‘nice’ guys, there is a lot more to it that what initially meets the eye. Yes, maybe he just isn’t your type; perhaps you are not into his personality or style, but if this is a consistent pattern for you, read on to find out if any of the below reasons could possibly apply to you.
"Dating someone who does not need you to help and control their life leaves you free to direct your attention to the things you have tried so hard to ignore until now. Discomfort may arise as long-repressed issues and emotions start to pop-up"
1 – They cannot provide the terrifying lows and the dizzying highs: This may come as a surprise (or not), but some of us actually crave drama in our life. This may not be at a conscious level, but if you, like me, have grown up in a household where uncertainty, instability and tension was part of your daily family life, it is likely that you identify this way of relating with love. Love that brings you a calm, secure platform to build your relationship is considered ‘boring’ as we are unable to experience the wild, yet highly addictive ride that dysfunctional relationships can provide. This, of course comes at cost. You can have the initial ‘fun’ that toxic relationships bring about, but soon enough, your trip will look more like a ghost train than a joyride.
2 – They do not need to be rescued or saved: Women who have received very little nurturing while growing up, try to fill this gap by becoming caregivers to emotionally unavailable or needy guys. They stubbornly (and laboriously) pour the love and affection that they lacked themselves into the relationship in the hope that they will receive some of it back. Unfortunately, this is seldom the case, and women suffer terribly as they deplete and exhaust themselves while trying to look outside for that which they must learn to provide to themselves from inside.
3 – You do not need hustle for their love: Our parents did their best, but more often than not, they lacked the resources to lead a truly fulfilling life. They probably did not know how to meet their own needs as this was not modelled to them by their parents, therefore the intergenerational wound of self-abandonment got passed down. This dynamic created a family environment where our parents could not be fully reached, and their love and attention became conditional. The unspoken message in this scenario is: we will love you if (you are good enough, clever enough, obedient enough, beautiful enough, etc). This initial conditioning had us believe that in order to be loved we need to ‘hustle’ and demonstrate that we are [fill the blanks] enough. This means that if someone offers to love and appreciate us just for who we are, we become confused and later disinterested since there is nothing to fight for or hustle about.
4 – You unconsciously believe that you are not good enough: This is a personal ‘favourite’ because it was a harsh realisation of mine. If we do not love ourselves enough, we tend to project this belief of lack of worthiness onto others, hence finding it hard to believe that someone else could really love us for who we are. This, in turn, creates a ‘self-fulling prophecy’ where we end up rejecting those who could show us something that contradicts our perspective, consequently reinforcing our belief that we are not good enough.This same dynamic is the basis of the attraction for the emotionally unavailable guy; their unloving behaviour ultimately reflects and strengthens our negative core beliefs about ourselves.
5 – You will need to become responsible for fixing your own life: Following on from point 2, our desire to save and rescue someone else plays an important secondary role in keeping us stuck in unhealthy relating dynamics. The more you work to rescue the other person, the less you have to focus on sorting out your own life. Dating someone who does not need you to help and control their life leaves you free to direct your attention to the things you have tried so hard to ignore until now. Discomfort may arise as long-repressed issues and emotions start to pop-up to the surface and demand your full attention. I know this may not sound too appealing but becoming conscious of your unresolved emotional issues is exactly where the healing from destructive relationships patterns needs to start.
Written by Jo Garner for @RelationshipsAsMirrors
Jo is the Founder of Relationships as Mirrors. She is an author, coach, speaker, and facilitator of group development work. She holds a Master Degree of Science in Coaching Psychology and a Bachelor in Social Science with specialisation in Coaching. She is passionate about supporting individuals in their journeys to creating more authentic and fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.
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